John found this on WebMD. It's a story most CFS patients tell -- we can't do the things our friends can so they drift away to people who share their lifestyle, or they are afraid they'll be asked for help and stop answering the phone. This is why there are so many support groups, where you can find friends who *are* willing to listen. We may not be able to clean your house for you, but we're shoulders to lean on, and sources of wisdom when, like this poster, you're beating yourself up over something that's not your fault.
Loss of friendships
I'm in need of some direction from a different perspective ....hopefully, you'll give me your opinions as to what you see is wrong. This is kind of long, I apologize for the length.
This is kind of a two fold question My husband & I are adult mid 50's & have been married 35 yrs. One of our dearest friends "Scott" we have watched grow up from a kid into a responsible adult. He is not married, and approx 10 yrs younger than us. He has been our dear & close friend for many, many years. He usually stops over 3-4 times a week, eats with us at least 2 times a week ( he loves my cooking), helps my husband do chores, visits, has cocktails w/us, fools w/ our dog etc. He generally makes himself at home here, without taking advantage of us, nor do we take advantage of him. Both of us love and like him, and we assumed it was a mutual friendship.He would help us at the drop of a hat if needed. My husband has always given him small loans when needed, and he's promptly paid us back.
I had a life threatening heart surgery in 2001, where I was in an out of town hospital for 3 weeks, and my husband worked days, & made the 1.5 hr drive to see me everyday, after work. Scott offered to help w/ chores & the dog to help my hubby out a couple days a week to give my husband a well needed break . This was much appreciated & All was fine & dandy. Once I got home, I was very ill, emaciated, and of course scary looking with the chest and leg vein scars. Scott came to see me one time. We then didn't see or hear from him again for several months. I figured "my appearance" from the illness probably scared him off.
Our friendship was never as tight again. Scott seemed to distance himself from us, but claimed we had done nothing wrong. He still stopped by, but maybe only once or twice a month. Why? I still ask this, Why?
Now (2008) we haven't seen or heard from him since last October, when he stopped and asked for a small loan ($20) and hubby gave it to him. He will not return hubby's or my phone messages, phone calls, refuses to stop by, or let us apologize for what ever we did to apparently offend him. I have begged him to come talk to us, and so has my husband. Last week as we backed out of our drive we met Scott on the road head on (he knew it was us) and he completely ignored the two of us waving...and simply looked the opposite direction. Needless to say, it was a shocker, we are both very hurt and upset over this. Both of us have lost sleep. Neither of us has a clue as to what we may have done to upset Scott. I'm at loss for what to do next? We don't want to give up on him, as he is our friend! My last words to him in a phone message was... "It takes less effort to let a friendship die, than it does to keep one going....and I know that he is a 200% giver at whatever he does....this is why we're both so confused , and feel a simple explanation is not too much to ask of him" Am I wrong? As I re-read this, it almost sounds childish or teen-like question.
I'm beginning to think that we are possibly an obnoxious or disgusting couple or something....it's making me doubt myself, & my husband. We take our friendships seriously, and expect the same in return. What should be our next step? Or do we take the hint, and just go lick our wounds? This just seems so unfair!
Sad part is....I was shocked at how many of my so called close friends avoided me ..like the plague, after i was so ill. Yes, they came to visit me in the hospital....but faded into the wood work after I returned home. Somehow, things were never the same . I hope no one here is going through this. I know it left a mark on me much deeper than any surgery could ever scar. 7 Years later, I still cry about it. There is absolutely NOTHING on the web about loss of friendships after an illness.....and why or what makes people act in this manner??!! I think it's horrible, & I don't understand it. Please someone explain! Lilly
Replying to: Loss of friendships
Hi Lilly,
I've lost friendships too, sometimes I know why, sometimes it's been me choosing to end a friendship, other times it's a mystery and I had to learn to let it go. (I also have found it interesting to discover who sticks around and who doesn't when dealing with health issues, loss and divorce. It can be pretty eye opening.)
It sounds like you have done all you can to find the 'why' in this situation and it may never come. I doubt you've done anything to cause this and you may be guessing in entirely the wrong direction.
I hope you can get to a place where you can accept that sometimes people come into our lives for a reason, they enrich ours and vice versa, and then they move on. That change doesn't negate all that went before and we can be thankful for the time we did have with a friend.
I know all that is easier said than done. I can feel the pain in your words. *hugs*
Perhaps others will have some ideas for you.
Replying to: Loss of friendships
Sometimes I think people avoid things out of guilt. I know I do at times. I also think people avoid things out of fear. With you guys being as close as you were, maybe he was afraid for the worst, and couldnt handle it? And then because of his guilt, about leaving you guys in your worst is what keeps him from coming back?
Sometimes when I am angry or upset with someone and we have a fight...its my own guilt that keeps me from making and apology because I feel ashamed.
When people are afraid of losing something they love, they can distance themselves. Well, thats what my one psych professor told me and in a way I kinda agree. When my nana had cancer, dont get me wrong I LOVE my nana more than anything...but i was afraid to see her because she looked so ill. It scared me, and every time I saw her I was afraid I would never see her again. I was really scared. Shes fine now and beat the cancer . Thank god.
Im sorry for your loss though . Perhaps with time he will come around? I hope so! Good luck.
Replying to: Loss of friendships
Hi I know I lost friends after my loss..But i found out these people weren't true friends i'm sorry to say.....something to think on......It's not your fault anyway.
Replying to: Loss of friendships
I h ave Fibromyalgia, Arthritis and other paroblems which makes me home bound mostly.I just hurt every day. MY best friend is very active, lives 5 hours away and goes and does all the time. It is a treat just for me to eat out. Her lifestyle is much more lavish than mine. I dont have much to talk about, no cruises, trips or plays to talk about.We only have our past as High School buddies to talk about. We once were very close but gradually our calls are less, our e-mails are less just a "separation" I think by the lack of money and health. All of a sudden they got on cable and she watches tv shows, has to sit with her husband and "cuddle" (married 56 years) and watch the news at ten. We used to talk almost every night for a couple hours. I guess I have become dull and uninteresting have told her all the High Sschool gossip I knew,so since I sence no change in my situation, our friendship will get colder and colder. I think your friend"used" you, and now feels that he can't "use" you and feel the same about it. There will be some guilt there where before there was not. It's not your fault, forget HIM.
Replying to: Loss of friendships
Dear LillyLu1954, I have seen this far too often in life. There are those who stay and help you & those who run away when there is illness. You and your husband did nothing wrong. Unfortunately, your friend has let his guilt over his poor behavior keep him from being friends with you any more. Seeing you reminds him of his own shortcomings. He just cannot face illness or the threat of losing you so instead he loses both you and your husband by his misguided coping mechanism of avoidance. It is very sad. It is horrible. I have had it happen to me with some people I thought were very close. One who was supposed to pick me up at the hospital after surgery bailed on me the day before because she had to pick someone up at the airport instead. (Huh?) Another who somehow never asked me about how I was doing with the life-threatening illness I had been diagnosed with and when she was reminded of it didn't remember. Who forgets something like that? Someone who doesn't want to think about anyone else at all. It is bad behavior. Every religion has certain basic acts that everyone must do: comfort the sick, feed the hungry, clothe the naked, bury the dead. In Judaism they are called mitzvahs - not good deeds - just basic human decency and respect for each other. In Catholicism they are the corporal acts of mercy. Your friend is missing out on a lot. I have worked closely with terminally ill people and have had many special experiences with the dying that have enriched my life. Your friend will never have such an experience. The loss is his. He is missing out on a lot. Not just the good friendship of you and your husband, but also the knowledge that he could have overcome his obstacle and made himself a better person. I have also had friends who deserted me after a death in my family. Shocking but even sadder for the former friends that that is the kind of people they are. I wish you good luck and good friendship from others. Beileen
Replying to: Loss of friendships
I have came to learn that sometimes friends are seasonal. It would probably be wise if you learned to just let go. Cherish the friendship you once had. People change! Linda
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