Friends and Cities

I've been told (by people living in small towns) that if I cannot get help from my friends and neighbors, it must be because I have demanded too much from them already.  It is simply beyond the ability of small-town people to understand that life in a big city isn't the same as life in a small town.

Here's the proof that the problem is society, not me: From the San Diego Union Tribune
http://www.signonsandiego.com/uniontrib/20051106/news_mz1h06alone.html
"In large metropolitan areas, where neighbors often remain strangers, preparing communities to pull together during emergencies is a challenge. ... In his 2001 book "Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community," Harvard sociologist Robert Putnam concludes that civil society is deteriorating as Americans withdraw from families, neighbors and civic groups."

"Networks of friends today are connected by telephone and the Internet, said Larry Lyon, a sociology professor at Baylor University. There is less need to get to know the people next door. Thirteen percent of those polled here in 2001 said they never spoke to their neighbors, compared to about 9 percent nationally, said Kelly."

This, in fact, matches my experience while living in San Diego, and also while living in Sacramento.  I once lived in an apartment complex for five years and never knew the names of any of my neighbors: they came home from work, went into their apartment, and never came out.  Since they left for work and returned from work at different times than I did, I had no opportunity to cross paths with them.  If I did meet up with them at the mailbox on a weekend and try to start up a conversation, they reacted with suspicion, because, in the big city, we've all been taught to be leery of strangers.

As far as willingness to help someone, 20 years ago, a co-worker was having a difficult pregnancy, and was ordered to bed for the duration.  I couldn't get any one of our co-workers to volunteer to help clean her apartment, or even bring her a casserole.  They were all "too busy" to go a few miles out of their way to drop off some food. One or two muttered that they were glad that she was confined to bed, so they wouldn't have to buy her a baby shower present. 

10 years ago, a much-beloved co-worker had a stroke and was bedridden for 5 years.  In that 5 years, only 2 people from the office went to visit her; I went more often than the other person, who went only once.  After the first greeting card circulated by the office manager, the only time she got a card was if I sent it.  Everyone wanted to know "how's Ginger?," but no one could be bothered to make the call to find out; they were willing to wait for her to call us.  So, it doesn't for a minute concern me that none of my friends from work will offer to help, because they wouldn't lift a finger for Ginger, either, and I know how much they loved Ginger.  Their refusal to help me has nothing to do with my personality, and everything to do with theirs.

One of the neighbors, who loves to garden, offered to do my front yard for the enjoyment.  But she won't do anything else to help; the front yard affects their property value, but the back yard and inside the house don't.  With half a dozen police cars out front, and the police asking all the neighbors if they'd seen me, the whole block was aware that I needed help with housecleaning, but no one offered to help, or even to give me the name of a good cleaning lady. 

Even when I was going out to go to work every day, I could go weeks without seeing any of the neighbors; as sociologist Putnam describes, they isolate themselves in their houses instead of issuing a standing invitation to coffee klatsch.

A women's magazine recently ran an article about a group of friends who stepped in to help when one of them had a medical problem.  The response I received to my e-mail indicated that, in fact, the magazine had gotten far more comments from people saying "I wish" than from people who'd had a similar level of help from friends.  So, I'm not alone.

Those of you who live in small towns where people still connect with their neighbors, thank your lucky stars, and pray that this trend doesn't come your way.